Black jake, additives, tuxedo, and science fair

I will start this off by saying that I hope that I am not turning into one of those sob, mod, trendy, poser, yuppy, dbag, chaches that posts about everything.  It’s entirely possible, I will punch myself in the baby maker if it ever happens.  I have never felt like writing about my experiences and never thought anyone gave two shits.  I don’t know if anyone gives two shits but I still enjoy doing it.  The more I observe and think about stuff I realize that I put myself in wierd situations either by contests, the amount of alcohol consumed, or sheer naivety.  And from these situations a lot of things happen that I never realized were funny, exiting, or worth writing down.

       So to start this thing off I must mention that my oldest brother joe came in town with his band black jake and the carnies to play two shows this past weekend.  This coencided with my roomates birthday/ remember the maine party(yeah that ship that blew up near cuba).  My work schedule of 3 pm to 3am friday morning made my plans of going to the gym and laundry out of the question, not when you get up at 5 pm.   My roomate Pat fitzgerald is a pesto fiend.  In high school, I left my house for a boy scout meeting with him in the kitchen shoveling it down.  After having it on my mind for 2 hours I came home and Pat stood at the same spot and was finishing the last tasty morsel.  I thought of dabbing his face with a piece of bread as the last remnant was a huge glob of pesto on his left cheek. 

      After returning home I did what every red blooded irishman does and tried to pregame for the show.  Let me tell you, it’s not a good idea to drink on a stomach that has 5 frozen holiday reese’s candy(the egg shaped ones, my favorite candy of all time) and half a knotted rope of spicy mutzarel or motzarella.  Well, there’s more room for beer, but room is never my problem, it’s getting completely wasted that gets me in trouble.  When your stomach can hold 25 pound of beer it has the potential to go sour real fast.  I cooked and chugged tall boy old styles.  After 20 minutes it was complete and included pesto, tons of parmesan and pecorino, dried cherries, pine nuts, cherry tomatoes, and sauted apples.  It tasted pretty good and I handed the 8 pound bowl of pasta to Pat as I rushed with an old pile in hand to catch my ride. Quickly finishing and noticing another beer sitting in our stairwell.  I drank it before I got to the car. 

   Having 55 cents in my pocket prompted my sister buying me booze at the show.  The trick is to get 2 at a time.  Why else did god invent back pockets?  After that and hearing the carnies play for the first time I felt pretty damn good, I may have even had an irish beer tan going.  Then I drank a monstrous double shot of something that in a pinch could be used as windex.  The night went well, but considering my plans to leave after the carnies I didn’t accomplish it.  I am that drunk that never wants to leave, I can always find someone to talk to and that was surely the case.  I met all the bandmates and was estactic because of the sound and truly enjoying there perfomance.  Fast forward to the ride home,  I don’t know who suggested white castle, in that case it was probably me.  I’m drunk in the back seat of my sisters car and getting passed sliders 2 at a time.  They were warm and I swallowed them hole.  I got home around 2, to find that my drunk ass had missed the friends I had invited to the party and my brother was there following a pegboy show.  I put on a impromtu contest and would swallow the burgers whole and yell done.  I also managed to raid all the food from my other roomates dinner party, including a piece of cake that I dropped but observed the 5 second rule. My brother left after eating a few sliders and I ran down the stairs to say goodbye to him.  I was not going to utilize the usual wave, I snagged a beer from the stairwell and tried to throw it at him, or so he claims(drunk people don’t do stuff like that).  I finished the sliders and fell asleep to blades of glory.  I woke up from the smell of white castles and layed in bed pondering whether or not I was going to throw up when I stood up.  That’s not a good feeling when a drunk night ends with you eating sliders. The next day is allways a toss up to decipher if you’re hungover or have food poisoning.  The one memory I do have from the night is that the carnies kicked ass and I was overserved. 

       Saturday, i nursed the irish flu and 3 old style tall boys during death wish 5 and oh brother where out thou.  We ate dinner at connies with some of the band and my entire family. That provided a good enough base for the partying that would follow( yeah a whole pizza usually does that).  This time the show was at bernices tavern on 35th and halsted, a small but kick ass bridgeport bar.  There was equal amounts of family and bar patrons.  This is not an easy thing to explain when drunk and pointing out person after person and trying to explain the blood ties.  I managed, and also managed to consume a staggering amount of shots and alcohol.  I dont’ think a horse would have survived, thank god I am a professional gluttonous bastard.  The additives played and put on a kick ass show(my sister sheilas band).  Before the carnies closed out the night I was challenged by this big, arrogant, ex notre dame football player to a jalapeno contest.  I said, 5 minutes he said 10 peppers.  I wasn’t sure if he wanted to kick my ass or have an eat off, what a prick.  It’s fun to be obnoxious and rowdy in small bars, especially when your brother is by your side taking in every moment with you.  

       The night saw me taking a tequila shot with my mother, I’m way past the part of pretending that you’ve never had tequila or making a sour lemon face.  I gave her the salt and lime and told her the procedure, talking to some people that I never actually spent more than 3 minutes talking to( which is good especially when those people turn out to be really interesting), and hearing kiss me deadly being played by the carnies, which has been stuck in my head for 3 days.  I got a ride home from my parents that night, I could not convince them to stop at white castles this night.  I was overserved but eating a hole pizza truly worked a miracle and the additives and black jake and the carnies are definitely worth checking out. 

          Damn, I hope that people are still reading this.  This week saw me getting a tuxedo for the escoffier(my idol and the greatest chef of yesterday) society dinner on sunday.  I am going as steve dahls date( the greatest talk radio personality this city has seen).  I thought about giving him a garder and emailing asking what time my mom should drop me off for pre prom pictures. I hope I can eat and drink because I will hopefully be coming back with another jalapeno title under my belt( laredo tx on saturday) . The tux is going to look great with the mohawk spiked up.  I’m pretty sure having that hair will insult more chefs than I can imagine but that’s why it’s going to be such a good time.  I may do the john bertoletti trick and have steve’s glasses filled up with wine and champagne just so I have one on deck(best wedding trick).  My wedding trick is telling the servers that someone is sitting at all the empty place setting at the table.  So I will hopefully swap out a flask of pepto for a flute of champagne, get some networking done, get to know steve, not get drunk and tell steve I love him man, and or embarass myself. 

       The last point is that I sponsored a high school student in the ohio science fair. Where his project was called music and speed eating.  I am not shitting you.  His name is devon and he scored a 95 on it.  It rivaled tim janus’ ice cream science project before the ice cream contest.  It was pretty intersting to read the whole thing.  His subjects were given 5 mintutes to eat as many hot dogs and buns as possible.  He then played various music and concluded that the faster the music the faster and more his subjects ate.  It sounds simple but to read it in his words truly interested me. 


  The next post should include some good pictures of me and erik denmark on peody in laredo. As well as ones con tuxedo looking like travis bickle’s twin brother as best man

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